Dear Diary, just think about today

By Francine Van, Guest contributor 

the beating of a pandemic pulse …today ….. a senior witness

We are now months into our isolation and my last writing about the arrival of a pandemic. Interesting that some of us have disregarded the virus as non-existent or just a flu, and others have secluded and hunkered into shelter in place orders, like we are at war with our neighbours.

Simply, seniors, strong or vulnerable, have witnessed the best of times and the worst of times. We have a point of reference. We know balance must exist in all areas of life as we know it. Instructions today have changed often with an overload of misinformation, so I understand the confusion. I also understand the newness of this situation in the world. I grow angry and feel hopeless. Navigating life is a new challenge. I get it. There is no cure. There is no safe.

We are on our own now to choose. And so, I understand the Black Lives Matter movement. I know the protests and need for them. I hope for goodness of change.

But, the days continue with increasing numbers of deaths reported, no longer the story of a life. We are lulled.

When I look out my window I see the peace of nature. When I go for a walk we step away from each other when passing. A shrug replaces a smile.

I lost my mom not to the virus, but to the natural end of her lovely being. Residing in long term care, I believe she knew things around her had changed. Today, her life was no longer comfortable with the imposed pandemic rules. I think she was ready to exit in her 95^th year. I am glad she was never rushed.

Erasing a life seems our society norm. Return of her OHIP, passport, and closure of accounts has brought a sadness I never knew. Grief is different. A few boxes left on a table of a nursing home for me were her last possessions. Interesting what we keep till the end. My memory of her seems all I have left. Even if our society systems wish to expunge her existence, she forever lives in my heart. I will always remember standing at the end of her casket alone. I know others are also faced with this moment. These are our times.

Today I am reminded to treasure my day and let go of non-essential items that bring no joy.

Some days I watch movies and forget about the pandemic. I can do that. There is a record of society prior to now. It looks warm and strangers hug. I remember. Then I witness the news.

Today, I was driving and noticed a dead squirrel on the road; I cried. Another veil of sadness.

Projects and painting inside bring distraction and creativity. Contentment for a moment.

I go to the coffee garage on occasion to see my kids and stay socially distanced. My granddaughters watch me knowing we cannot hug. My daughter steps back as I hand over donuts. It is just a second of caution, but I notice. Today.

Fear emerges when I least expect it now. Has the grocery store become dangerous? Is there food?

Moments of joy surprise me. Healing brings a hug. I watch weddings and moments of love. I find myself emotional in a good way too and cry. A life after will come. Hope for tomorrow.

Today is History.